A few jokes....

1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it.
That means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375 GB in about 3 seconds...
And you thought virgin broadband was fast.....




The three laws of American Engineering:

1. Always use the right tool for the job.
2. A hammer is the right tool for any job.
3. Anything can be used as a hammer.




A young man walking along the Pier notices an old man with his shoes off, trouser legs rolled up, legs dangling in the sea and fishing with an imaginary rod.
Puzzled the young man asks, "What are you doing?"
The old man replies, "Fishing for cunts."
"Sounds good. Can I join you?" replied the young man.
"Of course you can, pull up a pew son."
The young man sits down and casts an imaginary rod out, and then says, "So, how many cunts have you caught today?"
The old man replies, "You're the third this morning."



This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.



Authorities have released the names of some of the asylum seekers who drowned when their boat ran into cliffs on Christmas Island. There was Flo Ting, Sin King, Drow Ning, Scree Ming, Gurgle Ing and his son Dunk Ing. 


After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, English scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that followed, Scottish scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read; Scottish archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the English.

One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: After digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland's inhabitants were already using wireless technology.



Jon Smith started the day early having set his
alarm clock(MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ).

He put on a clean shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA )

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with petrol (from SAUDI ARABIA )

He then spent the rest of the day at the job centre, wondering why he couldn't get a fucking job in England!


Start with a cage containing five monkeys.

Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

And that, your honour, is why I was at the border shooting at illegal immigrants - to deter the rest.





Why doesn't Viagra work on chavs?

'Cos they only get hard when they've got ten mates behind them.